My ex-roomie, Jon, has turned into some sort of frugal, coupon-clipping super hero.  He's so good at it, he even sells them on Ebay.  I should say, he's so good at it that he was able to quit his full time job in order to sell them on Ebay.  That's talent.

Last week, I received a text message from him that went something like this:

Jon: Do you eat morningstar?
Lisa: Yeah.  Do you have an awesome coupon that I can't live without?
Jon: You bet your ass I do.

Two days later, Jon came over to my house with 10 boxes of Morningstar entrees in assorted varieties (I wouldn't recommend the sweet and sour chik'n because the sauce is kind of over powering).  I asked him how much I owed him and he said, "Actually, Publix paid me 5 cents to take them."  Awesome.

Yesterday morning, I got another text.

Jon: Tell everyone not to buy you any baby wipes.
Lisa: Ok.  I'm not asking any questions.
Jon: I have a bad ass coupon.

Last night, Jon came over with 21 boxes of 64-ct Pampers Sensitive Baby Wipes.  He purchased some other things for Ebay sales and actually made $30 profit of which he used to buy "business expenses" like stamps, envelopes, and frozen chicken.  

I never thought that Jon would be my financial hero, but he really is.  He rivals my mom in frugality and that's hard to do.  

There is no greater joy than stepping in a puddle of water when you walk into a bathroom. Could that be pee? The remnants of a shower? Even better, toilet water. My hubby's handiness stops sharply at the bedroom door, though he always attempts a "look" at the problem. I let him look, then ask if I can call a professional. It took about three days and 15 "looks" for him to say, "I think we need a plumber." No problem, chief. Keep lookin' pretty. That's why I married you.

I attempted to get a referral because, well, no explanation is needed for why I would rather go through someone who gave a referral. Since no one that I know has EVER needed a plumber (how is that possible?) I had to rely on the reviews of strangers. Ro-To Rooter had the highest ranking on the Orlando Services webpage, so they were the first that I called. They provide free estimates. Yay!

In walks Don. He's pretty hot, I won't lie. If I had bigger, faker boobs, this could have been the start of a beautiful porno. Haha. Just kidding. He takes a look at the toilet. Really, he only looked at the toilet. He didn't flush or touch it. I told him that the toilet leaks and it sometimes overflows. He told me that I had 2 problems. A) My tank was loose and the bolts were rusted. I needed to replace the tank-to-bowl kit. B) I have a clog in the toilet and I needed an auger, which is a fancy plumbing term for "snake."

Now, being a homeowner, I do have a rudimentary knowledge of what a tank-to-bowl kit is, what it does, and how much it costs. They run between $14 and $20 at Home Depot and are pretty easy to install. Well, when I say "easy," I mean easy for someone who knows what they are doing, not for someone who is squimish around toilet water (me) or someone who thinks he knows what he is doing, but always tends to make things worse (the hubby). I have no idea how much it costs to "snake" a toilet, but it's a fairly common practice, so it shouldn't cost too much, right?

Ro-To Rooter quoted me $392 to do both things. I thought this was a little high, but didn't have a basis of comparison, so I asked him to write up the estimate and I'd call him back. He really wanted the sale, so he told me that he'd do the auger for free and charge me $264 for the job, but the auger wouldn't be "under warranty." He warned that if the auger didn't help, he'd have to pull up my toilet from the base and flush out the sewer line, and that would be about $400 (sounds scary, right?). But, he assured that the auger would work. My response was, "Ok. Write it on the estimate. I'll talk it over with my husband and give you a call back." As he's writing, he slaps his forhead and says, "Oh, I forgot. If I leave and come back, I will have to charge a $95 travel fee." I said, "Ok. Write that on the estimate as well." Hot plumber guy was quickly becoming pseudo-good looking, but greasy, car salesman. He asked me to call another plumber on the spot and ask them what they'd charge so he "wouldn't have to" charge the travel fee.

Don't mind if I do, jerk. I went online and stumbled upon a website called servicemagic.com. Think "Lending Tree" meets "HGTV." I called and the service magic rep quickly pulled up 3 plumbers in the area that had high ratings and reputable service. She transfered me to Rainaldi plumbing. Rainaldi doesn't give estimates over the phone, which makes sense because I was talking to a receptionist and the problem that Ro-To told me could be totally wrong (this is foreshadowing, keep reading). Since Rainaldi doesn't do over the phone estimates, I asked the rep if they charged a travel fee if they came, gave an estimate, then came back when I made a decision. She laughed when I asked and said, "No." The RoTo guy rolled his eyes. I looked up, told him to leave his estimate and have a good day. Prick.

Rainaldi came, gave me an estimate and said the same thing that Roto told me. Actually, it wasn't "Rainaldi" himself, his name was Oscar. He was nice. He actually bent over the toilet, flushed it, and pretended that he was inspecting it for me. He left his estimate of $328 and went home to his family.

John, from Drain Genie, another referral from Service Magic, called and won me over. Not only was he completely charming with fabulous reviews, but he offered to do the job for $225. Sold.

John came over this morning. He checked out the toilet and asked, "Did those other guys even look at your toilet?" Hummm. "Well, not really." He told me that the tank was not leaking AT ALL. The leak was coming from the base of the toilet. The auger went through the toilet with ease, meaning there is nothing blocking the toilet. "Look," he said, "When I turn on the sink, the toilet bubbles." He pulls back the shower curtain. "Oh, and see? It's backing up into the tub. You don't need that service at all, you need a flush of your sewage line."

"Holy shit." I think. "This guy is going to rip me off."

"You're lucky!" he says. "That's a CHEAPER job." Huh? Really? It sounded pretty expensive to me, especially when I remembered RoTo telling me that he'd have to lift my entire toilet to do it and that would be a $400 job. "Oh, no. We can go on the roof and do it." Imagine that. You can flush my sewage line from the roof and have no need to lift my toilet from the base and spend all day here? That's great.

It took about an hour. It cost me $200. Not too shabby. He flushed my toilet a million times and kept showing me that the tank was dry. "No leak. See?" I didn't want to touch the tank because, well, toilet water is nasty, but I believed him. I love my new plumber. He rocks.

Later on, I get a call from Ro-To Rooter asking about my service. HAHAHA. Revenge is mine. I tell the customer service rep that I was just about to write a letter. I relayed the story and, guess what? The travel fee is COMPLETE BULLSHIT! And she loved hearing that another plumber did the job for $200 and it wasn't even the job that Roto said it was. Burn.

I told her I was glad she called so I didn't have to write a letter. "Oh, no," she says, "Mrs. Kendall, please email me your letter. I'm taking my own notes, but I really want to include your letter in case I am missing anything."

Sweet.

But now I'm afraid that if I write the letter and Roto loses his contract with Roto, will he come here and seek his revenge out on me?

what happened to my life? i am so effing bored. i always tell my students, "only boring people get bored," and it's become true for myself.

Today is the first sick day I've taken all year long. Eric had to actually convince me to stay home. The fact that I have a super annoying intern at school helped me finalize the decision. I don't think I would have had the strength NOT to tell her what a crappy teacher she will be.

I've watched a lot of movies in my hours of sickness over the weekend. I think I'll post about those...

Slumdog Millionaire....This movie was awesome. It is still in theaters, but my husband's "movie guy" had a producer's copy. It's a foreign film about a guy from India who wins the "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" game show. He gets arrested in the beginning of the movie (after he wins big) because the host thinks he is cheating since the contestant is just a kid who grew up in the slums and streets of India. The interrogator asks him how he knew the answers to the questions and they show, through flashback, how he came to know the answer to each question. It was beautifully done and a tribute to love and destiny all at the same time. I highly recommend it.

Underworld....Um. It's not Oscar worthy. The acting is bad, the plot is bad, but the violence is very entertaining.

Wanted...Another mind-numbing kind of movie with senseless violence and Matrix-like bullet shots. Angelina looks super skinny in this one...almost icky.

Zach and Miri make a Porn....This movie had lots of potential. It started out freaking hilarious, but ended pretty lame. It's one of those "friends become lovers" movies, like in "Some Kind of Wonderful," but with a raunchy porno twist. Seth Rogen is in it, who is pretty funny, but when he gets seriously in love, my attention tends to wane.

He's just not that into you...Funny, Funny, Funny movie. You will cringe because the main girl is such an embarrassment to herself and to all other females alive. I found myself going through a mental checklist of things I have done that mirror the main character's. It's a relief to NOT be dating anymore.

UCF assigned an intern to me this semester. She has a great work ethic, is highly motivated, mature, and extremely annoying. I never thought that I'd ever meet someone who talked more than me. I admit I am a talker. This girl is also a talker. However, she talks constantly about the SAME thing over and over again in a monotonous tone with a blank expression to match. You'd think that a person who had the energy to talk as much as she does, would be able to channel some of that energy into a facial expression or animated head or arm movements. Nope. Nothing. It's robotic and very disturbing.

At first, I thought I was overreacting, but she comes across the same way to my teaching partner.

She also hovers. Yes, she's supposed to shadow me, but she's not supposed to literally stand inside my shadow and breathe down my neck. Oy vey. I'd better get used to her, quick, because we'll be together until the end of April.

The 3 free credit hours better be worth all this.

On the radio this morning, there was a discussion about things people have been doing to "get by" during the recession. It brought back fine memories of my college years: trying to make money when my job offered less than 15 hours a week at $4.75 and hour. I'm only including the legal ways to survive the recession because, well, those days are over. Here is my top five:

5. Sell your textbooks: This was/is the worst way to "make" money, if you could even considering getting $3 for an $85 book making money. However, put yourself in your college shoes. The scholarship/loan money went straight from your bank account to the bookstore in the beginning of the semester. You spent the first 3/4 of the semester partying like a rock star on what was left over. As the term comes to an end, so does the the partying. You're now looking at single-digits in your bank account. What's the quickest way to buy a bean burrito and nachos? Go to the bookstore and cash in on those books. You don't need them to study for finals, the money is spent, and it saves you the hassle of moving them to your next apartment.

Note: I've heard stories of hooligans stealing books from kids studying in the library while they left their tables unattended. In turn, they would sell the books for $3 and make nothing but profit. I'm not promoting thievery for personal gain here, only warning you of leaving your books unguarded.

4. Donate your body to medical research: This was always fun. You scan the college classified ads for headings like: "Are you clinically depressed?"; "Do you have difficulty sleeping?";"Do YOU have herpes?"; "Get PAID to participate in a research study." It could be hard to qualify, but once you did, you could be insured $20 every time you went back to get checked out. Why not make your medical malfunctions work FOR you?

3. Donate your teeth to the dental school: You can make $50, get free X-Rays, and a filling. Nuff said.

2. Participate in a Survey: These were the best because they were always on campus. I have fond memories of the Food and Agriculture school giving $5 cash or food coupons to taste food and fruit juices and rating them on a scale. The best part was that they gave you saltines between items to "cleanse the palette." If you timed it right, you'd eat a bountiful lunch of saltines and fruit juices, and be able to use your $5 for dinner (like a Bloody Mary Salad Bar).

1. Sell your platelets: It's like donating blood, but getting it back. In the end, you still have your blood, but you also have $25 in your pocket. What a deal! Your blood gets pumped out of one arm and sent to a centrifuge where the red blood cells and platelets are separated. You get your red blood cells back, but the platelets are left behind to help diseased children. Before leaving, you get a juice box and a pack of fig newtons. The process takes a while, but you get to watch a movie while you wait. You get a movie, snack, and extra money in your wallet. I always thought it would be a great date, but was never asked to go the plasma center.

Note: I know it sounds too good to be true. There are a few downfalls to the plasma selling. 1) One reason your plasma is so desirable is because it contains nutrients and antibodies that are beneficial to sick people. This is great for sick people, but when it leaves your body, your antibodies are decreased. I often got sick soon after selling plasma. 2) The lack of nutrients also makes you super hungry. Sometimes, I'd spend all my earnings on food. 3) The plasma center in Gainesville that this really whack way of dispensing payment. It was like $20 the first time, $15 the next time, $25 the 3rd time, and $20 the 4th time or something like that. Whatever the method was, you always felt like you HAD to go again to get your money's worth. It was kind of addictive. 4) Getting blood pumped back into your arm is a pretty weird feeling. It makes you really, really cold because what used to be inside your nice and cozy 98 degree body was just hanging in 65 degree air. You get cold from the inside-out. It's pretty eerie.

So folks, don't let the recession get you down. Where there is a will there is a way, and where there is a college campus nearby, there is always a will.

I took my cousin's daughter to Sea World on Sunday. She is quite possible the cutest child on the planet. We were standing in the refreshments line when a woman turned to me to tell me how cute she is. I thanked her and told her that she is my cousin's daughter, and the woman responded with, "Do you know why she's so cute? It's because most Asians have very small eyes, but her eyes are so big."

Yes. She really did say those words.

It was so odd and unexpected, that I didn't really know what to say. Of course, when I relay the story to others, we all have snarky retorts that would have been great to use, but I have a hard time thinking of those on the spot.

i hate my arms.

I went downtown with the hubby and his friends last night. As I was finishing my 2nd vodka and soda, I felt something small and pointy on my tongue. From my mouth, I pulled out and confirmed my suspicions: a piece of glass. I closed my mouth in horror, and felt my teeth crunch down on what I suspect to be another little piece of glass. I think I swallowed it. At this moment, my insides are being ripped apart by bar glass. If I die because of internal bleeding, please tell my husband that I want to be cremated and I don't really care what happens to the ashes. He can give them to my mom to put in her garden.

If I survive, I think I may look into this glass-eating thing as a possible career.

My gym has their own "station" where they post messages about upcoming events and reminders to us. There are often grammatical and spelling mistakes that make me laugh. Today was:

"Join us on New Year's Day for our Cardio Challenge. For each calorie burned, 1 penny goes to the Specail Olympics."

It's the Olympics for people who can't spell. Hahaha.